Kids are not FOOD, Nathan!

On the surface, you really do seem like a good guy, but honestly, I don't know what little kids see in you. Your commitment to excellence? Your genuine, goofball nature? Don't think so. In fact, you just look like a hungry baby-eating giant here and I am about to call the parents of...

Hollld on....is that fucking face paint??? ARE YOU THAT DESPERATE, NATHAN?!?  Stop trying so hard. Ulgh. 

Adrian shares the GOLD

Nice try Nathan, but we know you just peed in the pool... like that gold-medal winning douchebag, Ryan Lochte. 

Sure, your low riding speedos have a quasi-hypnotic effect and right now I am thinking about drying your chest off with my face, but, you aren't fooling anyone. Behind those bottomless dimples, there is the potential for incomprehensible pee-vil.

What do I need to do to wipe that smile off your face? Push your head under water??! 

Nathan towels off...with America

Seriously, Nathan? We get it. You are a 6'7 tower of organically grown USDA prime rib with the supple skin of a newborn baby. Your classical symmetry and elite athleticism are only eclipsed by your gentle, soft eyes. 

Yes, Nathan, if it wasn't for those GAP Khakis, you would be perfect. But, in all fairness to the rest of the mortals, you should probably be stabbed with a steak knife.

So you won a disc of shiny metal for being the fastest to flop his body from one end of a pool to the other. Big. Fucking. Deal. That doesn't mean that you can wipe down your wet, chiseled muscles with our stars and stripes.

And by the way, what the hell is with that gross, rippled 12-pack? You and your flag towel going to a NASCAR pool party?